I realize that I am enamored with silly foolish reality TV. I admit that whole heartedly. But after tonight's episode of 16& Pregnant on MTV, I am no longer able to sit quietly.
I was 16 and pregnant. I was not on MTV.
Let's begin my story by changing the names of the guilty parties. There was this man named Hohn Joke. He was a very handsome man 8 years older than I. Which at the age of 16 seemed exciting. Now, at age 30, seems disgusting and illegal. After realizing I was pregnant, I immediately told Hohn. He conveniently broke up with me the same night. I knew if I told my parents they would kill me. Or him. Somehow, I felt like I needed to protect him even though he was leaving me to fend for myself.
I broke the news to my mom when I was 5 months pregnant. My dad didn't find out until I was 21. I wrote my mom a note. Big, bad, old enough to get pregnant couldn't even tell her mother outloud. I was grown enough to have sex, but I wrote my mom a note.... I decided not to tell my dad because I thought he would disown me or kill Hohn. Looking back, I wish he woulda killed Hohn. My dad found out from an ex-boyfriend looking for revenge. I felt horrible and embarrassed. My dad felt ashamed that I couldn't tell him. I'm sure I could have. But I didn't need anything else to disqualify me from making him proud. There was nothing exciting or proud about what I had done. My friends didn't all gather around to throw me a shower.
Hohn and I reviewed all of our options. My grandmother began telling me about my mom's cousin. She and her husband had been unable to conceive a child of their own. They had many failed attempts at adoption. Adoption lawyer, Steve Kirsh flew his little Cessina into SBN to meet me and I expressed to him that I had already found a couple. After a few phone calls and a visit to the home of the prospective parents, I knew I wanted them to have my baby. (And me too!) They were kind, gentle, smart, genuine, perfect. Just perfect. There aren't enough adjectives or the words haven't been created to describe how amazing they are.
I know my mom struggled with the thought of helping me take care of her. But it wasn't my mom's job and since Hohn was out making other babies, I knew it was the right decision. This may be the one decision I've ever made that I have never regretted or second guessed.
I attempted to hide my pregnancy from everyone I knew. I transfered schools. And did amazing. My grades excelled. I worked my ass off knowing that I had to make up an entire semester I had skipped out on. I did it. On the honor roll and all... I didn't go to prom. I had boys ask me, not knowing I was pregnant. I stopped talking to all my friends. I didn't see most of my family. I spent my 17th birthday pregnant. I finished a year of school in 4 months. School was out June 6, 1997. I wasn't due until July 4th. Sunday, June 8th, I went into labor. Monday, June 9, 1997 After 38 hours of labor, 4 hours of pushing, shattered tailbone, vacuum extraction, and forceps.... Ciana Elizabeth was born.
Her new parents arrived the next day. I didn't cry. I didn't waver. I signed her life away to the most amazing people I have ever know.
Why... How could you do that? Because at that point in my life I wasn't able to provide her the life she deserved. It's neither selfless nor brave. It's the truth. I loved her enough to know that I couldn't do it. Period. Her parents sent me tons of pictures and I (re)met her for the first time on her 3rd birthday. She looks so much like Brynn it's crazy!
Hohn pretty much disappeared after she was born. Only to resurface as the father to a friends baby.
Now, Miss Thing is almost 13. Taller than me. Gorgeous. She looks like me. When I see her, she acts like me and makes faces like me. And it is so weird that she inherently does those things. I can't wait to watch her grow up. I know that she will make better choices than I did. I know that she will not make me a grandmother at 32.
Thanks for sharing your story. You're a strong, brave woman.
ReplyDeleteGosh,do you believe I read that and didn't cry.I was and still am so proud of you Brianne.You are right,there are no adjectives and not enough to describe the couple that adopted my birth granddaughter.We couldn't have asked for more.I wish you would write again you are so gifted.I love you
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY OF A YOUNG WOMAN WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT HER CHILD NEEDED MORE THAN SHE COULD GIVE AT THAT TIME IN HER LIFE.
ReplyDeleteIT SEEMS SO MANY TEENS IN THAT SAME SITUATION HAVE THE DELUSION THEY CAN PROVIDE FOR THEIR CHILD. ADOPTION CAN BE SUCH A WONDERFUL OPTION. I RECENTLY HAD THE CHANCE TO REUNITE A 70 YR. OLD WOMAN WITH A CHILD SHE HAD AT 18. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL THING AND THEY BOTH UNDERSTOOD SHE HAD DONE THE RIGHT THING LONG AGO. MUCH HAPPINESS TO YOU BOTH.
Brianne, the unselfish decision you made almost 13 years ago is what gives me reason to live each and every day. Although I will never be able to repay the priceless gift you have given me, I will keep you, your children, your mom and your grandmother in my prayers until the day I die. I love you and thank God for you every day and I will make sure that you have much more story to tell. Our bond is only going to grow greater and stronger!
ReplyDeleteI can still remember when all of that happened. I am still very proud of you Bri. You made the dreams of your mom's cousin come true and gave your daughter a chance for a wonderful life, you should really be proud of yourself. I wish more young girls would hear your story and dig deep within themselves and find even half the brain that you had at their age and realize that it is possible to emerge from all of this a better, smarter, stronger person. Weren't you validictorian of your class also? I will never forget how you were there for me when I thought I was in the same situation. You are an amazing woman and I am so lucky to have you as a friend. Love ya!
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